I grew up with a not-so-nice father who had a hard upbringing himself. He was a drinker, made good money working for the government, and was a military man. He died a lonely and broken man is 2006. I think I was the only one out of his children who spoke to him about once a week. I tried to have a relationship with him, but he was a very bitter man and that made it very difficult to have a healthy father-daughter relationship. Because of his anger and violent tendencies, I did not go around him much NOR did I let my children around him. Our relationship was mainly via phone and a holiday visit or two.
My mother is a good, christian woman who was raised in a good, christian home. If not for my mother and her parents, I think I would have been more emotionally damaged than I have been over the years. They gave me hope and healthy guidance to be the person I am today. My mother left my father when I was around 12 years old after years of physical, emotional, sexual, financial, and psychological abuse to her and her children (no children were sexually abused by my father, just her). She has now been married over 20 years to a man much younger than her, but who loves and supports her as a man should. Although, I am not always found of my step-father, he is good to my mother and that’s all that matters.
My father’s father molested me at the age of 9 and tried again at age 11. This man died when I was 18 and I didn’t shed a tear. I excelled in school, but was a loner. I looked to music and books as my escape from abuse. both were my lifeline. The few friends I had stopped being my friend once they saw how abusive my father was. They would tell their parents and then, poof, no more friend.I gravitated toward choir, art, and band (saxophone) in school and got into any after school activity I could to prolong going home.
When my parents divorced, I lived with my father and my brothers stayed with my mother and step-father. When he started taking his anger out on me, I ran away. Sometimes, I would be gone for months on end starting at the age of 13. When my father would find me, he would ship me back to my mom. I stayed with my mother during school months and my father in the summer. When with my father, I would run away. I looked to drinking and drugs to numb my feelings. I would never do any of this when living with my mother, though. I think because I had school as an outlet.
When I was 14 and 15, my father lived in Puerto Rico. I loved summers there. Every night was a party night there. Puerto Rico was the place that changed my life forever. At age 15, I was raped and became pregnant with my first daughter. Before I found out I was pregnant I went to my father for help and he told me no one would believe me because I was just a no good run away. After finding out I was pregnant, he shipped me off to my mother’s again.
When I turned 16, I moved into my first apartment. I was young and on welfare, but it felt nice to be on my own. My daughter changed my life forever. However, I never fully handled the emotional damage of past abuse and would sometimes turn to drugs and drinking when my daughter was spending time with my parents or grandparents. I allowed none of that around my children. The rape, molestation, and years of abuse ruined any chance of healthy relationships with men for years.
I stopped self medicating at the age of 2o and, by then, I had 2 children with one on the way. I never drank or used while pregnant. I was out to numb myself, not harm my child while pregnant. Being pregnant gave me a reason to be sober. I also refrained from using when my children were around until I hit rock bottom and went to rehab at age 20. I found out I was pregnant, looked at my kids, and said no more to that! No more numbing the pain and I entered therapy and rehab. After my 3rd child was born, I was in a two year relationship with a man who dumped me after I became pregnant with my 4th child. That year, I had my tubes tied and decided the best thing for this child was adoption. If you are wondering why I did not use birth control, I did and it failed. I was just that fertile.
I married my first husband when I was 23. He was the one who introduced me to the world of computers and technology. He thought me how to fix and put together computers. I loved it so much, that I started my a computer business. He was 23 and was already working on his masters in math and economics. He skipped Kindergarden because he could already read. His goal in life was to be an Actuarialist (A person who puts a price to ricks for insurance companies). He had offer for jobs that would start him out at $100K a year and turned them all down. Most start out at $40K or so if that tells you anything. However, this marriage lasted only 1.5 years when he put hands on me and my children. I told him REFUSED to have abuse around my children and left. From what I last knew of him, his collage degrees got him a management job at a pizza place. I guess he should’ve taken that $100K offer. Who knows, maybe he’s rich and famous by now. I digress.
My next marriage lasted from 2001-2009 and this man changed my life. He showed me how to have a healthy relationship and, no matter how much I pushed him away, he never left my side. We bought a home, we worked, I ran the business and worked odd jobs when slow, and we just loved life. Yes, we had ups and downs like any marriage, but it was solid. Solid until my two children became teens and he started becoming emotionally abusive towards my oldest. We just grew apart after that. I left him and closed my business in 2009.
I am not going to bore you with my life story. You can hate me or not, I have become the strong woman I am today because of my past. I have 4 wonderful children (yes, I know and have had my adopted daughter with me after she turned 18) and I am proud of the adults that they have become. I have never been perfect and never will be. I am a child of God and always learning and growing. I am in my 5th, yes 5th marriage. my last marriage lasted 3 years and was filled with so much abuse I am lucky to be alive. That man brought me back to alcohol and, since my children were grown and gone, I struggled with drinking for 5 years. It took the man I am with now to bring me out of that and I haven’t touched a drop since May 2nd, 2016. I don’t even crave it. That part is God.
My husband now is an Army vet who is one year younger than I. He has a brain injury, seizures, and bipolar 1 due to the brain injury. He is a good man who struggles with his emotions, memory, and communication due to frontal and temporal lobe damage. He can’t work now because he is still in recovery and sees 10 doctors with appointments at least 2 times a week, sometime 4. I DID work out of my home of my home as a tech support call center agent. You can read I’m Not Scared to learn why I am not longer there. We have struggled financially for almost a year, and are homeless now, but keeping the faith. My husband’s seizures caused him to have to stop working in June 2016 and I have been the one to hold us together. However, with a bad back and having to handle all his medical issues, I struggled to keep an outside job. We hope and pray his VA Pension comes through fast.
That’s it, that’s me. I could have written a book of what I have been through, but I have put all the main parts of my life out there. Judge me or not, but remember:
Matthew 7:1-2 Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.”
Knowing this might just help you follow along with my blog better. Maybe you too have been affected by abuse or worse. I hope I can help at least one person know that it will be OK. Life is about learning, growing as a person, and evolving into the best person you can be. Will it be easy? No, but never give up and never lose your faith (in whatever you may or may not believe in).
If my being a Christian offends you, I would suggest not reading my blog.
I welcome everyone and judge no one.
God bless and happy reading.