My husband and I are keeping the faith through this hard time. We are counting our blessings every day. I’m not saying I am perfectly at peace with everything, I am just saying that I am keeping my eyes on God and the prize of a happy ending to all of this.
My husband’s Veteran’s Pension and Social Security is still not decided on, we are still waiting to find out about housing, and we are enjoying our last night in this hotel room.
I have secured a part-time job doing ghost tours in the area and studying to take my required City Tour Guide test. This job will not pay all our bills, but it’s a start. I will be applying to full-time day jobs tomorrow and Tuesday. I have a job I can do in sales, but they may not hire me because I have no address and they are not sure what store to put me at because of this. What started out with a job offer turned into,”We will let you know by the end of the week.”
We were told by our housing case manager that we might have to live in a town that is about 40 minutes from here. I will find out more tomorrow but, if I take a job here and we move 40 minutes away, that means I will have to find a job closer to that area. I’m just going to take any job I can get and pray we can find housing here. Otherwise, I will pay a lot in gas to commute each day. Either way, I need a job now.
Tomorrow we will be in the truck and will be living in it until we can get housing secured. The Veteran’s organization could only pay for our hotel until tomorrow. We can’t go to the shelter because of my husband’s seizures. They would separate us and, if he has a seizure, someone may not know what to do. They might not even know he is having one. We feel it’s better if we just stay together in the truck. We can eat a hot meal, take a shower, and do laundry at the shelter if we have to. He hasn’t been having day seizures and is rarely having them at night now, but I just don’t want to take that chance unless we have no choice.
My husband finally got his medical and mental health transferred to the VA in this area and he has his first appointment tomorrow morning. We meet with his housing case worker after that and then I have 5 interviews to go to. He has another Doctor’s appointment Tuesday and we set up all his other appointments as well. He has to get his sleep study done ASAP, see the neurologist, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, and get back into anger management classes. After his sleep study for apnia and seizures is done, he has to start seeing a speech therapist and neuro-psychologist. I might have to work a day labor job just to pay for his gas to get to all these places.
Looking at his appointments, you would think that this man is so bad that he can’t work. I feel he can. He may be limited in what he can do, but I think he can work doing something if he just tried. I am starting to feel resentment and anger kick in. I do just about everything for us. I take care of all the business, medical, pension, social security, bills, and more. My husband sits around watching tv and smoking. When I am in pain, having a panic attack, or feeling like my heart is messing up (shooting pain in my neck and chest)…he just sits watching tv or he might glance over and ask, “what do you want me to do?” He rarely moves a muscle to help me. Once, my back was hurting so bad I was screaming in pain and asked for a back rub. He was right beside me and got upset because he was trying to sleep. I never got that back rub. His needs come first. This hurts so much! I feel taken for granted and alone. He is able to work when he wants cigarettes. He will go to a day labor place and do construction clean up for a days pay just to fun cigarettes or his gas. He can, therefore, work. When I tell him he needs to find a job, he reminds me of all the medication he is on and appointments he has to go to. When I remind him that he works a couple times a month for smokes and can find an evening job, he then reminds me of how hard I have worked for his pension and social security thus far and how he would hate to see it all go to waste. Am I being too hard on him? Why should I work and take care of everything while he gets to sit around doing nothing. I have to beg just to get a half assed, 5 minute back rub. He enjoys the fruit of my labor doing fun walks around town with me. I just feel so alone and uncared about in this marriage. He’ll even eat up a snack or drink up a whole bottle of soda and not even think so save me any. Conserving food, money, or anything is not an option with him. If this just all part of his brain injury? It also not uncommon for him to get upset with me and tell me to shove things up my ass or fuck off at any given moment. Then, an hour later, he will be all nice and loving. I don’t know what to think anymore. I feel like I am just living with a room-mate that I take care of. We don’t even make love but maybe once or twice a month anymore.
Wow, this post was just going to be about where we are heading and I am now venting. I think I am just tired of holding it all in. I do love him, but feel so taken for granted. I wish he would just contribute more to this marriage. He is capable of making his own appointments, capable of doing some sort of work, able to write his own notes down, and so much more. I need to stop doing everything for him. I don’t even take care of myself anymore. When I do try and care for my own needs, I feel so guilty. When can the world stop revolving around him? His first wife he had in Germany, before he was disabled, said she left him because he refused to work or keep a job. He had no seizures or doctors then. She said he would just play video games all day while she worked. How is he any different now?
Maybe I am just overwhelmed and will feel better once I get us on our feet. I am not sure how I am fully feeling at this point and not making any rash decisions until everything is better with us. I do know that we have been talking about our marriage and he is asking how I feel about things and what he could do better, which is a start. He did say that if we keep getting the run around with his pension and social security, he will go call his employment case worker and see about finding a job he can do. This caseworker works with disabled veterans and can find him work that will not interfere with his disability or appointments. Even if he worked a part-time job, that would help us tremendously. I am happy to hear that he is willing to try to work on us and his career options. I know many people have seizures and brain injuries and work. If his seizures start getting bad again OR his brain damage gets worse, I will understand and support him not working. I will also support it if his doctor puts in writing that he is not able to work. If they can explain to me why he can’t do anything work wise, I will understand. I also understand that he is limited to what jobs he can do now and I am willing to let him take his time in finding a job he will succeed at. I do love him and will always support him as his wife as long as he is making an effort in this marriage.
As I am writing this, we got an email from the Veteran’s homeless organization stating they will be paying for us to live one more week in this hotel. I am SO SO thankful! Things will be ok, I know they will. I am just overwhelmed and feeling a little worried. I got this! We got this! WE can do this! WE will be ok! In Jesus name, we will be ok!
As I was writing this, I also got a call from my oldest daughter. Poor kid (she’s 25 in May) broke her little toe. She was walking around her living room an caught it on a the side of her couch. She heard it pop and knew it broke. As you can see from these photos it is, in fact, broken. At least she got a pedicure first. Poor kid! She’s a housekeeper and so worried about losing her job. I think she will be ok. I doubt they will fire her over something that was not her fault. Plus, she is coming into work anyway, which looks good on her part as well. I know she worries about her job and bills. She is mom, we do that. She will be ok.
I want to end this on a cool note. We went on a ghost tour for free through the company I am going to work for soon. I caught something in these two photos that I think my fellow ghost hunters will like. Dust? Bug? Ghost? It was taken at a place were slaves used to be kept and it was not raining. You can be the judge. I can’t explain these photos, but I am not fully convinced they are ghosts either.Yes, I believe in ghosts. I have heard them, seen shadow figures, and seen things moved. However, I have yet to see a full-body apparition. I would love to catch an EVP or photo someday.